Jinx

I hate to jinx the good things that have been happening in the month of May by talking about it.  However I for once am 'happy'.

I published my book,  took care of some bills that have been haunting me, and feeling good about little beans future. 

After so much shitty things happening (need i remind you about Leia's death, my grandma's death, hubby losing his job and my mom just dying) it's about f'n time.

I am reaching out to the universe to continue the good vibes.  I'm about to turn 36 and instead of being afraid I'm going to embrace it.

Envy

I find myself becoming more and more invidiousness of people who's lives are easy.  People who don't ever struggle with anything at all.  I have a friend (well more of a friend of a friend) who has never had anything bad ever happen to her.  Now I don't wish anything bad upon her, I just wish that I could be more like her.


I kept telling everyone that when we were expecting our RB I wouldn't freak out as much because I'd have the best care.  YET here I am 3 weeks into it and I'm a nervous wreck.  I don't want to be like this.  I hate having to live moment to moment.  Not being able to make any plans for the future, isn't fun.  I'm 6 weeks 5 days today! They say after 12 weeks you don't have to worry about miscarriage.  That is true.  It is everything else you have to worry about from that point on.

I don't think I will worry as much after that point, and not even sure why I am always worrying now.  I've been checked out and there is no problems at all.  No reason why LB won't live, and yet I worry.

From this moment on I really need to relax.  I have to focus on positive thoughts, and channel my mom.   I have to stop worrying that every pain, or lack of symptom is something. More importantly I have to stop taking pregnancy tests.   Worrying doesn't change a thing, in fact might make it worse.    And taking these tests are shit!  I mean what am I going to do if one day it's not as dark or doesn't show up?  I can't change a thing, and there is nothing I can do to make this any better.


So I'm going to embrace the pregnancy, and enjoy these moments.  I might even start writing to LB.  I need to get more attached to LB.  It is important.

I'm going to eat a steak today....

I've never had a steak before in my life so this is kind of a big deal.  Up until last year I hadn't had a hamburger before.  I was pregnant at the time, and started to crave meat.  It was strange since I had no idea what meat tasted like.
Once upon a time I was pregnant with the beautifulest angel Leia Sky.  We were 35 weeks pregnant when I found out her heart stopped beating.  It was the single most horrible thing that has happen to us.  Us as in me and my husband.  We have been together since 1997, married since 2004.  You can read about this experience and the letters I wrote to Leia @ www.letterstoleia.ca. 
So when I started to crave steak, I knew right away I was pregnant.  I'm only 6 weeks and 1 day, but the symptoms are intense.  My breasts are sore, I have acne, my back hurts, and i'm craving weird foods.  But I love every moment of it.  I'm nervous, excited, scared and so very happy.
This happiness comes at a price though. A stillbirth, and my mom died.  She died on Easter Sunday around 3 am of a massive heart attack.  She was my best friend, the person I talked to 2 or 3 times a day.  I took a pregnancy test the day after she died 4 days before my period was even late.
I watched the one line form, then the second one came in pretty clear. I was at my uncle's house a complete mess of nerves and sadness then it all changed.
This pregnancy is a gift from my mom.  I know it's not a coincidence that we found out we were pregnant so soon after.  She wanted grandchildren so bad, and was broken when Leia died. She knew that I would be beyond repair after she died, so she had to send me a sign.  A reason to live, and to keep swimming.   I honestly would have retreated back to the person I was six months ago, had we not found out.    That person was a crying, depressed, emotional wreck.  Not saying that I am not still like that, but it's not nearly as extreme.
I still miss my baby every single day, and my mom more than I can explain.  But now we have something to be happy about.  Something to look forward to.
A reason to learn how to fly...