Envy

I find myself becoming more and more invidiousness of people who's lives are easy.  People who don't ever struggle with anything at all.  I have a friend (well more of a friend of a friend) who has never had anything bad ever happen to her.  Now I don't wish anything bad upon her, I just wish that I could be more like her.


I kept telling everyone that when we were expecting our RB I wouldn't freak out as much because I'd have the best care.  YET here I am 3 weeks into it and I'm a nervous wreck.  I don't want to be like this.  I hate having to live moment to moment.  Not being able to make any plans for the future, isn't fun.  I'm 6 weeks 5 days today! They say after 12 weeks you don't have to worry about miscarriage.  That is true.  It is everything else you have to worry about from that point on.

I don't think I will worry as much after that point, and not even sure why I am always worrying now.  I've been checked out and there is no problems at all.  No reason why LB won't live, and yet I worry.

From this moment on I really need to relax.  I have to focus on positive thoughts, and channel my mom.   I have to stop worrying that every pain, or lack of symptom is something. More importantly I have to stop taking pregnancy tests.   Worrying doesn't change a thing, in fact might make it worse.    And taking these tests are shit!  I mean what am I going to do if one day it's not as dark or doesn't show up?  I can't change a thing, and there is nothing I can do to make this any better.


So I'm going to embrace the pregnancy, and enjoy these moments.  I might even start writing to LB.  I need to get more attached to LB.  It is important.