My girl..

For some reason, I really wanted to watch the movie "My Girl".  It's from 1991and about a young girl named Vada (what a cool name!) who's mother died 2 days after she was born.  Her dad (Dan Aykroyd) runs a funeral parlor from his house and Vada is pretty much obsessed with death and dying. 

She goes to the doctors an awful lot, and nobody seems to notice.  Her best friend is TJ (Macaulay Culkin) who would do anything for her.  Her dad meets Shelly (Jamie Lee Curtis), and quickly falls in love with her.  Vada realizes that she is in love with her teacher so she joins in on a summer writing class.

Just before her dad and Shelly are going to get married, something really shitty happens. *Spoiler alert*  TJ dies.  Vada and him share a quick kiss - to see what it is like , and then she goes home.  She tells him that she is going to marry her teacher, and TJ asks her to think about marrying him instead.

He goes to the woods to find Vada's mood ring, she lost a few days before while they played with a bees nest.  Turns out he is allergic to bee's, and gets stung. 

I remember when I first watched this movie, I was 15.  My own Nana had just died in January, and It changed my life.  It was the first time I ever realized that people died.  Then watching this movie, I was shocked to realize that children can also die.  I mean I am sure I knew, but never really had any experience with it first hand.

Now today I re-watched this movie, and all these emotions came back to me.  I realized that this wasn't just a movie. It was real life.  People die, children die, Nana's die and Parents die.  I'm going to die someday.

I hate death and dying.  I mean I'm sure nobody likes it, but do other people think about it 24/7?  I tried for years after my Nana died to avoid the topic.  I never talked about how much her death effected me, and my mom.  I know she never got over it 20 years later.  And that was the reason why she couldn't be with me when my own daughter died.

This movie does a good job at depicting real emotions, and what happens when someone close to you dies.  Vada right away started the 'I should have's' saying she 'should have told him he was her best friend'.  Then she asks if she killed her mother.  Blaming herself for her mom's death and then somehow for TJ's death.

Shelly says this quote to Vada's dad "I'm not asking you to stop caring for those people. But life isn't just death, Harry. Don't ignore the living, especially your daughter."  It really hit home for me.  I think I've been focusing on death for too long, and ignoring the living.  Ignorning the fact that I have a baby growing inside of me.  Ignoring that I do have friends, family and a husband who love me right now.

I cried long and hard watching this movie, and when Vada goes up to TJ's coffin that was it for me.  I literally couldn't breath.  She starts shaking him, and asking where his glasses are.  This is exactly what I did when I saw my mom's body last month. I asked where her glasses were. I said she couldn't see.  I shook her, and told her to wake up. I begged her to come back to me.  To open her eyes.  Then a little bit of air and bubbles came out of her mouth. This freaked me out so bad.  I didn't really realize how bad until tonight.

My PTSD has came back and full force.  I am getting my aniexty attacks, and reliving the death of my daughter.  The death of my mother.  So much death.  Giving birth to my dead daughter.  There has been a lot of triggers lately.  My book coming out has freaked me out. I re-read it on the tablet and freaked out.  I know I wrote it , but it has been months since I read and wrote half of that stuff.  In fact I don't remember writing to Leia after she died for the first month.

I think I need to take a break for me.  Clear my head, and think of the good that is coming to me.  There is lots of time to think about promotion for the book, and nobody is going to think I've forgot about Leia if I take a break.

So this is Me vowing to take it easy. No texting, pinteresting, facebooking, tweeting, or blogging.  I need to clear my head and try to get these panic attacks under control again.  I will only watch funny movies, and read books that will make me feel good!

Tumblr is down anyways so I can't even go write to Leia. It's our 7 month angelversary on Sunday and International Beavered Mother's Day.  I can't deal with that.  I am struggling with Mother's day.

See you soon..

Angie 

Jinx

I hate to jinx the good things that have been happening in the month of May by talking about it.  However I for once am 'happy'.

I published my book,  took care of some bills that have been haunting me, and feeling good about little beans future. 

After so much shitty things happening (need i remind you about Leia's death, my grandma's death, hubby losing his job and my mom just dying) it's about f'n time.

I am reaching out to the universe to continue the good vibes.  I'm about to turn 36 and instead of being afraid I'm going to embrace it.

I finished my book..

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/letterstoleia

This is a huge accomplishment for me.  I have wanted to be a published writer since I could learn to read.  I started to write books when I was 10.  My first 'book' was called Dear Santa.  It was about a girl who writes a letter to Santa asking for a boyfriend.  Then on Christmas day she gets one, and believes it was from Santa.

I also started a series of books like Sweet Valley High.  I enrolled myself in the Childrens Literature University and swore I'd be published before 20.  I am about to be 36.

Instead of celebrating this awesome thing in my life , I'm worried.  I keep thinking the worst about LB.  My boobs aren't as sore today, and my back hurts.  I hate to think this way, but I can't help it.  It's actually starting to eat me up.  I need to go get checked out and make sure I'm not write.  I just can't bring myself to do it.

I have no cramping, or bleeding so there is no reason to think this way.  I have to stop.  I need to start thinking more positive.

Envy

I find myself becoming more and more invidiousness of people who's lives are easy.  People who don't ever struggle with anything at all.  I have a friend (well more of a friend of a friend) who has never had anything bad ever happen to her.  Now I don't wish anything bad upon her, I just wish that I could be more like her.


I kept telling everyone that when we were expecting our RB I wouldn't freak out as much because I'd have the best care.  YET here I am 3 weeks into it and I'm a nervous wreck.  I don't want to be like this.  I hate having to live moment to moment.  Not being able to make any plans for the future, isn't fun.  I'm 6 weeks 5 days today! They say after 12 weeks you don't have to worry about miscarriage.  That is true.  It is everything else you have to worry about from that point on.

I don't think I will worry as much after that point, and not even sure why I am always worrying now.  I've been checked out and there is no problems at all.  No reason why LB won't live, and yet I worry.

From this moment on I really need to relax.  I have to focus on positive thoughts, and channel my mom.   I have to stop worrying that every pain, or lack of symptom is something. More importantly I have to stop taking pregnancy tests.   Worrying doesn't change a thing, in fact might make it worse.    And taking these tests are shit!  I mean what am I going to do if one day it's not as dark or doesn't show up?  I can't change a thing, and there is nothing I can do to make this any better.


So I'm going to embrace the pregnancy, and enjoy these moments.  I might even start writing to LB.  I need to get more attached to LB.  It is important.

To tell or not to tell..

I'm six weeks and 2 days pregnant today.  We started to tell a few people, but I really want to tell everyone.  I know that there is no magic number, our first loss was at 35 weeks.  So why shouldn't I tell the world?

I'm going to eat a steak today....

I've never had a steak before in my life so this is kind of a big deal.  Up until last year I hadn't had a hamburger before.  I was pregnant at the time, and started to crave meat.  It was strange since I had no idea what meat tasted like.
Once upon a time I was pregnant with the beautifulest angel Leia Sky.  We were 35 weeks pregnant when I found out her heart stopped beating.  It was the single most horrible thing that has happen to us.  Us as in me and my husband.  We have been together since 1997, married since 2004.  You can read about this experience and the letters I wrote to Leia @ www.letterstoleia.ca. 
So when I started to crave steak, I knew right away I was pregnant.  I'm only 6 weeks and 1 day, but the symptoms are intense.  My breasts are sore, I have acne, my back hurts, and i'm craving weird foods.  But I love every moment of it.  I'm nervous, excited, scared and so very happy.
This happiness comes at a price though. A stillbirth, and my mom died.  She died on Easter Sunday around 3 am of a massive heart attack.  She was my best friend, the person I talked to 2 or 3 times a day.  I took a pregnancy test the day after she died 4 days before my period was even late.
I watched the one line form, then the second one came in pretty clear. I was at my uncle's house a complete mess of nerves and sadness then it all changed.
This pregnancy is a gift from my mom.  I know it's not a coincidence that we found out we were pregnant so soon after.  She wanted grandchildren so bad, and was broken when Leia died. She knew that I would be beyond repair after she died, so she had to send me a sign.  A reason to live, and to keep swimming.   I honestly would have retreated back to the person I was six months ago, had we not found out.    That person was a crying, depressed, emotional wreck.  Not saying that I am not still like that, but it's not nearly as extreme.
I still miss my baby every single day, and my mom more than I can explain.  But now we have something to be happy about.  Something to look forward to.
A reason to learn how to fly...